We deserve to be kinder to ourselves
Our Western culture gives emphasis on achievement, and we believe that if we judge ourselves harshly and find flaws in what we say, do, look like etc., only then we can become better. And so, when we make a mistake, our inner critic pops up and insults us, says we’re not good enough or smart enough, makes us feel ashamed, and gives us a hard time for what we did.
Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? And just imagine that this is the way you would never treat a friend or a loved one… Why do you do that to yourself then? Do you at least say “Congratulations, you did a great job!” every time you succeed? My guess is that just a few of you do, not because the job was not great, but because you believe that you don’t deserve it or, because you underestimate your effort, or because you don’t think you need it.
Yet, research shows that this self-limiting inner dialogue (or rather monologue) has the opposite result: your motivation decreases, and you don’t trust you can be good at almost anything.
Next time you find yourself in a similar situation, try to do something different, applying more mindfulness and allowing for more kindness towards yourself:
Notice that you are critical towards yourself, and pay attention to your tone of voice, the words you use, maybe even your facial expression or tension.
Approach and show understanding to your inner critic. This won’t be easy, especially if you have really done a mistake. You can address your inner critic and say something like “I know you want to protect me, but this attitude is not helping me at all. Everyone makes mistakes sometimes, and that’s ok”.
Then turn to yourself, as if you were your best friend, and speak with warm words and care. Engage in a supportive self-talk, showing understanding and acceptance.
Take a few deep breaths. Then, do something that nourishes you. Call a friend, go for a walk, have a cup of your beloved beverage under the sun (or the blue night sky), do your hobby, read a book, take a warm bath, or even take a nap.
Try meditating. Why not listen to a guided self-compassion meditation. Put your hand over your heart, if that soothes you, and say some kind words to yourself based on what you need, such as “May I be happy”, “May I accept myself as I am”, “May I accept my life as it is”, “May I be kind to myself”, “May I live in peace”, etc. Savor the moments, the words, the feeling of tenderness and love you can give to yourself.
“Happiness stems from loving ourselves and our lives exactly as they are, knowing that joy and pain, strength and weakness, glory and failure are all essential to the full human experience.”
-Dr. Kristin Neff